Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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