So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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