This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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