Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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