never play flip cup with pint glasses
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
