I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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