Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
