I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
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