I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Randomize
