If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
