My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
