Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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