i may or may not be watching the land before time
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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