they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
