I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
