If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
