my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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