My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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