Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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