I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
