i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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