I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
