My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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