I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
