I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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