I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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