my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
