I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
