Already got asked if we're dating
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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