The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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