If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
