We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
