Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
