I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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