never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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