don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
