Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
