It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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