Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
