I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
this is an emotional support booty call
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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