it glows. i had to have it.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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