dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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