yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize