Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
