I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
