Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
