I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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