burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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