how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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