Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
How's work?
Spinning.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
