I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
