Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize