Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
