You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Randomize