I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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